Losing Oneself
by Chiri-tan
Summary: In which Tsunayoshi Sawada gradually lost himself into the emotionless puppet of Verde Mendes. TYL!AU;Ver27;oneshot;epic mindfuckery, be warned.


**Losing Oneself.**

_In which Tsunayoshi Sawada gradually lost himself into the emotionless puppet of Verde Mendes. TYL!AU;Ver27;oneshot;epic mindfuckery, be warned._

* * *

_**10th November 2022 **_

_Caring... hurt._

Tsuna thought he knew pain. After all, he'd been through them so many times. But the last ten years had been especially hurt. He had _killed_, one thing he'd swore he'll never do. _(obligation-obligation-obligation) _But it hurt when he cared, so he stopped.

The midnight headache was terrible. So he wanted it to stop. The numbers _(Uno, Tre, Due, Tre, Cinque, Uno, Quattro, Sei, Uno, Due, Cinque) _echoed softly within his skull, reverberating nonstop. Either to remind him of his mistakes, or relish all the glory he'd achieved. Was it all worth the headache, though? _(__**Uno**__, Boss, __**Uno**__. Cinque, Boss, Cinque. Dieci, Boss, DIECI!) _

No. It wasn't.

"Tell me what's troubling you." It wasn't a request, it was an order. Tsuna sighed exasperatedly, not knowing what to do. "There is nothing I can say that you don't already know, Verde." The brunet supplied. _Dieci _still echoing within his skull.

The green-haired professor straightened his glasses nonchalantly before putting a coffee in front of the tired Decimo of Vongola.

"Thank you, Verde." Tsuna sighed as he took the coffee.

* * *

_**7th November 2022**_

Yamamoto kicked the door to Tsuna's office harshly, making the door fell off its hinges. The sadness in the man's eyes made Tsuna's heart beat twice harder. Sadness and Yamamoto was-

_Foreignforeignforeignmistake notright_

-something that did not mix. The young boss of Vongola stood up, tilting his head in question.

"My father is dead."

Tsuna's face fell, tears pooling from the wide brown eyes. When his rain guardian (_best friend?_) left, his called to the intercom.

"Bring me coffee."

* * *

_**8th November 2022**_

If there was one thing that Gokudera-kun disliked, Tsuna remembered, it was to disturb him when he was sleeping. Gokudera knew how scarce Tsuna's rest had been and the silver-head wished for nothing but his wellbeing. But tonight, just as the clock was about to strike for another day, he barged inside Tsuna's room.

"Tenth..." His voice was but a breathy whisper. Tsuna groggily switched on the lamp on his bedside table. "Yes, Gokudera-kun?" He mumbled sleepily.

_"Cinque mafiosi. Mia Famiglia."_

Tsuna blanched, but Gokudera-kun had already bowed his head in apology. No.

_Nononononono!_

"J-just..." he mumbled again, quivering. "Just bring me some coffee, alright?"

Coffee it is.

* * *

_**9th November 2022**_

"Master Colonnello has... disappeared."

Was that a code? Did he mean something? Tsuna couldn't tell anymore. He couldn't think straight.

Maybe because he'd taken more coffee than usual? He didn't know.

* * *

_**DD MM YY Unknown**_

A lonely boy sat on the white floor. A pen in hand and a white ink on another. He hummed to the empty room a nursery rhyme from the olden times, soothing no one but himself. The room was covered by writings, sometimes numbers, or pictures, scrawled messily on the wall. Black ink on top of the white walls, weaving a tale.

Slowly, he began to write:

##############

* * *

_**11th November 2022**_

Since when was it that the only time he was able to relax was whenever he was with Verde?

If it were him of ten years ago, he wouldn't have believed it. He had hated the professor a lot, after all. But nowadays, only his coffee can soothe the brunet's-

_Guiltpainregret- I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry_

-raging conscience. The entire Famiglia was restless now, even Reborn. The only person who didn't seem bothered by the entire thing and kept on with his stable and constant daily life was Verde, who would spend all his time developing things that the others were just too foolish to handle- _as always._

That constant-ness... the word _as always _had made him stayed by the professor's side. _(Tre, Cinque, Tre, Quattro, Uno) _The numbers were still echoing, but whenever Verde's scientific monologue entered his system, it seemed to be subdued a little.

He felt blessed to still have a safe haven in the middle of it all, although in a form of someone he'd never expected.

* * *

_**12th November 2022**_

Was it just his feeling... or the entire mansion felt so tense?

* * *

_**13th November 2022**_

Tsuna realized that he was alone.

No, not _alone _in that sense. He had people around him. Gokudera-kun, Yamamoto, Chrome, Lambo, Onii-san, and even Hibari-san. But he was _alone_.

He had no companions. Everyone seemed fine with it. Nobody _cared_... except for him. He was alone in this. Nobody seemed to _understand_... but Verde.

Verde understood. Verde _knew _and he didn't _ignore _it. Although the professor was indifferent, Tsuna _knew _that the professor was the only person who would acknowledge _that _fact. He sighed, exasperated.

"What's wrong?" Sheer curiosity, not concern. It was sound all over his voice, but Tsuna found it comforting.

_"Cinque." _Tsuna breathed out unwillingly. A look of sadness and concern passed Verde's stoic face before returning to its usual emotionless facade. "I see," he spoke. Verde had never liked talking, after all.

Tsuna smiled. The first smile he'd shown all this week. It was going to be okay.

* * *

**DD MM YY Unknown**

"So... how is it?" He looked up to the person who asked him and showed them a toothy grin. "It's been fun!" He answered. "How are you feeling, hmm?" Another nod.

"Spectacular!" The boy answered happily.

* * *

_**10th December 2022**_

A month. And it was driving him crazy.

He found himself much more... empty. He couldn't _feel _anything, and it felt so _wrong _(right). He was supposed to feel _some_thing, right? _(Uno, Sei, Cinque, Tre, Due) whocareswhocareswhocares?_

"Verde... Verde, what's going on with me?" The green-haired scientist sighed. "One of your guardians just died, of course you would feel sick." Oh, yeah, Lambo... "I know that it's sad, but you should try and remember that life goes on for those who are still alive." When he was about to leave, Tsuna found himself clinging to Verde's labcoat, indulging in the smell of alcohol that- _as always- _lingered on the professor's clothing.

"Tsunayoshi Sawada?" He asked a question.

Tsuna sobbed. "I... don't want to feel anything."

_Notsadnessnotregretnotangern otnotnot_

"I know you don't. I'll get you some coffee."

He... _cared_. Thank god.

* * *

_**DD MM YY Unknown**_

"How are you feeling?"

"I don't know."

* * *

_**11th December 2022**_

A sleep was hard to come by.

So Tsuna would spend his day on the office, working on the paper works. The sheer indifference the entire manor seemed to emit was still in place. He felt pressured, and yet _calm_. It was an ominous calm though, not calm _calm_.

At times like this, coffee was definitely his best friend. And Verde. Can't forget Verde...

Oh, yeah, Gokudera-kun's sister died today. _Emptyemptyemptyempty_

* * *

_**12th December 2022**_

He remembered waking, going to his office, spending time in Verde's lab, and having coffee. But other than that, everything was vague.

* * *

_**13th December 2022**_

He remembered having coffee... but other than that was...

* * *

_**DD MM YY Unknown**_

"Do you need me to repaint the walls yet?"

"No! Not yet! The tale is not finished..."

* * *

_**20th December 2022**_

It was already twentieth of December?! He... couldn't remember anything! Why?! But his paper works were finished and new ones had arrived. Tsuna sighed. Time to have coffee.

* * *

_**DD MM YY Unknown**_

"You... were _there_."

He was given a smirk as an answer.

* * *

_**22nd December 2022**_

So, today- _huh?_

* * *

_**23rd December 2022**_

What... was his _name_? He... he couldn't remember. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. What was his name?

_Emptyemptyempty_

* * *

_**24th December 2022**_

He woke up, went to his office, did some work, went to Verde's lab and then spent the night there. Nobody cared.

* * *

_**27th December 2022**_

Somebody... somebody, please _help _him! The coffee... it had tasted _strange_! Why? The coffee he had all this time didn't taste like _that_! What's going on?!

* * *

_**30th December 2022**_

WHY CAN'T HE REMEMBER _ANYTHING _FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS?!

* * *

_**31st December 2022**_

He... woke up.

He instantly knew what he needed to do. He was to wake up, go to the office, do his work, and then go to _him_. He... didn't know who he was. But he _did _know one thing...

Verde Mendes.

As long as he did whatever the man asked of him, he will be all right.

* * *

_**1st January 2023**_

Everyone was worried about him, of course. But he couldn't care less.

He _couldn't _care. He felt nothing at all. There was a strange whisper though.

_Just like how I wanted it._

_###_

"What did you do to him?!" Gokudera roared loudly. Verde sighed and rolled his eyes as he gently tugged the boy- _blank puppet's _arm to follow him. Dull brown eyes stared at nothing and everything at the same time. Lifeless, cold, _unfeeling_.

_His _puppet.

To be perfectly honest, Verde had always wanted him from the moment he saw him. Vongola Decimo. A man- boy, really- who was so unlike any other mafia bosses he had seen. Insecure, unsure, kind, and just... _normal_. He was pretty though, Verde admitted that, and now... he was _his_.

"You never cared about him, did you?" He chuckled. The silver-head growled almost inhumanely. "I _cared_!" He hissed. "It was _you _who put everything inside his coffee! It was _you _who drugged to the point that he became... like _this_!"

"Don't misunderstand me, storm guardian." Verde let out an amused chuckle. "I was only granting what he asked of me, like how I'm supposed to do. He said that he _didn't want to feel anything_. I'm granting that."

"YOU-!" The flurry of storm aimed his weapon at Verde, ready to create mass genocide just to kill one insolent man. But then... _he _stopped him.

"If you want to kill Verde-sama, kill me first." Monotonous, and yet Gokudera could definitely hear the familiarity of that voice. Verde smirked.

"Uno this time." He said to nobody in particular as the storm guardian screamed in agony. Ironically, the person his agony was directed to seemed deaf to his screams.

Verde... _won_.

* * *

_**10th November 2023, Mendes Laboratory**_

A lonely boy sat on the white floor. A pen in hand and a white ink on another. He hummed to the empty room a nursery rhyme from the olden times, soothing no one but himself. The room was covered by writings, sometimes numbers, or pictures, scrawled messily on the wall. Black ink on top of the white walls, weaving a tale.

Slowly, he began to write:

_**2nd January 2023**_

_I... don't have a name. But if there is one thing I know... and one thing only:_

_I will be all right as long as I do whatever it is that Verde Mendes asked of me..._

The boy turned away from the scribbles on the wall and looked towards the only person- _the only thing _he knew...

Verde Mendes stood there, waiting for his questions to be answered.

And he complied.

**THE END.**

* * *

**Soooo do you feel mindfucked? I certainly did!**

**Please review ;D**

**P.S: If you want me to include the explanations of things you don't quite catch... please mention it in your review and I'll be editing this document. **


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